Don’t Read if Easily Grossed out ;)

2nd warning,don’t read if easily grossed out….

Really, it’s on you if you read this and are grossed out, three warnings, how many can I give 😉

I had a very greasy California Burrito today–did not realize the ramifications it would cause. Casually, I drove by the Adult Bookstore. Today was not to be like other days. On this grand day, I would investigate. The morning had proved hectic; rushed and unpleasant. Due to time constraints, I had not performed my morning masturbation ritual. Feeling horny, I perused the section with Live Girls in neon lights. A raven haired beauty lured me into a small booth. She explained how to putt money into a vending-like machine. She said “Make yourself comfortable.”

The kleenex box on the wall implied that many events of voyeurism combined with self-pleasure went on in this dark, dank room. I undressed, fastidiously putting my shirt and trousers on the door hook. All the while leaving my sneakers on. My heart began racing. I putt a crisp twenty into the machine and saw the lovely vixen undo her bikini top. Unabashedly, I began stroking my rapidly engorging member. She got up close to the glass. Her breath was like frost as she stuck out her pierced tongue and made muffled cooing sounds. Withing seconds, I was at full mast. My day had improved by leaps and bounds since this dreadful, dreary morning. My vigorous self pleasuring had left my strong hand exhausted. I switched to my less dominant hand as the show got better. The lovely woman took off her bikini bottoms. She began touching her beautiful vagina. I noticed some wetness, and it seemed that she was also aroused. I observed her many tattoos. One looked like a skull emitting blue flames. On her right arm was the beginning of a sleeve of astrological/astronomical ink. The back of her left thigh had a symbol that seemed similar to a yin yang. Not only was she beautiful but her mythical markings were ones only an interesting person would choose. I really wanted to hug and kiss this awesome stranger. The glass was a mortal enemy that made this encounter almost fantasy. As electrified pleasure shot from the nerve endings in my penis, my mind raced. I wanted to whisper so many nothings to this exquisite creature.

A partition started coming down, indicating that this show and the high point of my day was ending. The pallid but delicately beautiful goddess blew me a parting kiss. I was left in near darkness to saviour my moment. With intense pressure, spermatazoa flew onto the glass. Perhaps only a tablespoon of baby batter went to splatter–it felt as if a whole gallon of milky fluid shot from my cock. The release was intense; it was if a migraine headache instantly left. The heavy feeling in the back of my testicles was now gone. I felt fifteen pounds lighter. My whole body instantly relaxed. I could feel sweat dripping down the small of my back.
Sadly, I inform you; as above mentioned–my whole body relaxed. This is not a fortuitous event when one has consumed a greasy California Burrito beforehand. The next sensation was agonizingly familiar to anyone unlucky enough to crap their pants. It was the trepidacious feeling of no return. I had perhaps two seconds before a messy incident. There were markedly few options available to me. Thoughtlessly, I aimed my buttocks towards a wastebasket filled with crumpled tissues. I felt as if my anus had become a jet spray. Some of the lava-like excrement dripped along my butt-cheeks. By favorable chance, this fine establishment had provided a prodigious supply of kleenex. I was able to save myself the low grade humiliation of a soiled pair of “tightey whitey’s”. Inexorably, I thoroughly wiped my bunghole to a state of sorness.

There was a dull knock on the door. “Hurry up, there’s a line…” barked an unsympathetic female voice. Haphazardly but hurriedly, I dressed in the dim, confined room. I pulled a five dollar bill as gratuity for the beauty who had provided me with immense, unforgettable erotic joy. I quickly exited the small enclave–meekly handing her the tip. Abandoned were all my hopes of striking up amusing banter with the exquisite creature. I figured my best option was to make a haste escape before the malodorous foulness entered her precious nostrils. With my ambitions dashed, I headed out with my head hung low. A beautiful blond in another booth smiled at me. Glancing back I returned her gregarious expression. (I would love to experience ten minutes of bliss with this amorous bombshell). My pocketbook was lighter, so were my bowels. I had just experienced the two greatest releases a man can experience within momments of each other-Orgasm & Excretion. Do not pity me. ‘Fore there is always another day for another swashbuckling adventure. If you must, feel sorry for the poor schmuck who went in after me

Surrounded By Idiots


Well I heard a really cool song with a funny video awhile back. It’s by a band called Wrathchild America–don’t know a whole lot about them so here is the wiki link:

Anyways, I just got done reading some economist talking about how bad people who defaulted on loans were-and she even had the feminist shaming language down to a tee (maybe conservatives use the same lingo.) If you are looking to be bummed out, you can read the article here:

Then, as anyone whose unfortunate enough to keep up on the news may have heard about Anthony Weiner, ahem showing his…. Well, I saw one article titled Weiner’s Out–Best double entendre evar!!!!

Anyways, this song pretty much describes how I’m feeling….

“Surrounded, Surrounded, Surrounded
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
(Here I am) Surrounded, I’m surrounded, surrounded
Surrounded by idiots

The TV gods and the Jesus freaks and the flag burners
And the rapists, and the murderers, would you check out
All the geeks…I can’t believe what walks the streets
From Hollywood to D.C.

You banned little red riding hood
censored mister rogers’ neighborhood
I go to jail if they find a seed
But meanwhile the mayor runs free”

Wrathchild America

Rock On!

Stoner With A Boner

What’s Your Type?


Well, I ran accross a site that claims to be able to tell your personality type when you type your blog into the box.

Here’s the site:

This was my analysis:

“ESFP – The Performers
The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead – they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.”

I’m not sure if it fits me to a tee, but I do like to have a good time.

Rock On!

Stoner With A Boner


I don’t know why, but this is the Iron Maiden album I can’t stop playing…. maybe it’s the long instrumental sections and blazing solos…. maybe it’s not quite as raw as some of the earlier stuff but not as produced as some of the later stuff (with keyboards.) I guess it’s progressive without being pompous. Somehow, they just got it right. I blast that fucker in my truck all the time.

Voodoo Soup


I’ve been a huge Jimi Hendrix fan for years… I was in the record store a few days back and saw an album I’ve never seen before…. It was entitled Voodoo Soup. Many of the songs I had heard, either on live albums or on First Rays of the New Rising Sun. These were mostly songs he did later in his career–way later than “Purple Haze” or “Fire.” It was $5 so I figured what the heck. Well, I popped the CD in my truck, the first track “The New Rising Sun” just didn’t sound right to me. The production sounded a bit off from the warm, organic sound of Jimi that I love so much. It was kind of tin like and sounded like there was some kind of weird effect like flange or delay added to the guitar. On other songs I noticed there were a bit of background vocals along the lines of “Hey Joe.” Not terrible, but a bit distracting. The high points of the album for me were the instrumentals “Pali Gap” and “Peace in Mississippi.”

For those that don’t know, Jimi died in 1970 and had a bunch of unreleased music. There have been several posthumous albums. Voodoo Soup was done before his family got back the rights to his music and is no longer available. for all it’s flaws, it is still a worthy addition to the collection.

For more info:

Rock On!

Stoner With a Boner