A couple nights ago I met my new neighbor. “Jim” invited me over for a drink and handed me a warm Natural Ice. As we were sitting on his patio, I mentioned that he had a cool old Chevy-looked like the ones in cop shows from the 80’s. He said he had inherited it from his grandparents. He also stated that back east, people looked down upon him for having an old car but here it was cool–he got cash offers for it. I interjected that lots of guys turned them into lowriders. My alcohol tolerance is a bit low lately, I guess my “lifestyle” has improved. “Jim” insisted I have another beer as he had another mixed drink. When the topic got around to work, he mentioned that he didn’t. He then revealed that he had gotten a few DWI’s and that made things more difficult. At this point I was catching a buzz. I told him I was getting hungry and I wanted to roll on down to a taco shop. He asked about some of the things to do around here and I let it slip that there is a sex club half a mile from where we live. He said he wanted to see it, I agreed and told him I’d show him a few of the local bars. He insisted I have another beer and poured himself another drink.
We took a walk through a few dark alleys to get to the club. It’s a small residential area behind a few warehouses in a shady part of town. I told the lady at the front counter that we weren’t planning on going in. I was just showing him where it was and she then told him the rules and fees. I said we should then head out to a tavern where I could get some food. As we traversed the dark alleys, he told me to never tell his girlfriend about the club. He lit up a cigarette and asked if we could go back and get his car. I told him there was no point and that we could walk. He pleaded. I just said we’re almost there and you don’t need another DUI. We finally got to the tavern and each got a drink. I was disappointed to find out that they had stopped serving food. I didn’t realize it was almost midnight. We finished our drinks then bailed.
We got to another tavern. This one has a grill where you buy a burger or steak and cook it yourself. Unfortunately the grill was already shut down. I was getting hungry. “Jim” got another drink, drank about three quarters then we stepped outside so he could smoke. When we got back in, “Jim’s” drink was gone. I asked the bartender about it and he poured another. I then joked that “Jim” did that on purpose to get free alcohol. He sad that back east no one touches your drink. I guess he envisions himself as some kind of PUA. He approached a table full of girls and began talking. He then waived me over. At one point I heard “We’re outta your league” by one of the ladies. OUCH… Time to bail. I was in no mood for this place and just wanted food.
We walked to a taco shop. The morning air felt great. There was a long line of various partiers. I ordered my food. We began talking to a pair of ladies. My food was ready so I went to get it. “Jim” was leaning in to one of them. He said something like “You’re really pretty.” Then he tried to kiss her. She put her arms up and jumped back a few feet.
I said, “Sorry for my friend…” as she walked off. I couldn’t really explain her expression–wasn’t sure of she thought it was funny or was really angry. I gobbled down the food I had been lusting after. I was ready to get to sleep.
The next day I felt low energy and virtually died when I hit the trails with my mountainbike. Later that night I heard a knock on my door. It was “Jim.” I gave him a recap of the previous evening and he said he “blacked out” and didn’t remember trying to make a pass on the woman. He invited me over for another drink, I excused myself and said that I had a bunch of things to do. I don’t know about my nutty neighbor–don’t think I’ll hang out with him again….
Stoner With a Boner