A REAL MAN Checklist–

…so, if you’ve spent any time on teh interwebz, you’ve probably seen some kind of list defining the “true traits” of masculinity…

Time to do this Stonerwithaboner style 😉

1.) A REAL MAN can do more pull-ups in one set than down beers in one sitting. But should he down more beers in one sitting, than he can do pull-ups, he’ll still be able to drive home safely. No need to call a cab like a sissy boi 😉

2.) A REAL MAN always, always holds doors open for teh ladies. He doesn’t even expect or want a thank you. He will sometimes hold a door open for a boy or man, say if he is on crutches or carrying some heavy boxes. He will often playfully trip the boy or man, or perhaps slam the door in his face as a good natured prank. He will especially do this if said man is shorter than him or lower in socio-economic status. Even if said boy or man is physically injured by this prank (and remember, humiliation does not count because males should not be wussies) he should still be grateful because he has been taught the valuable lesson that a boy or man is not entitled to any help in this world.

3.) A REAL MAN sucks it up. He doesn’t question ideologies or political views. When there is a war, he unquestioningly serves as cannon fodder, he does not ask if this is a just war. When a Feminist claims she is oppressed, he says “Yes Ma’am” and doesn’t question dubious arguments. Remember, skepticism, science and philosophy are for those bespectacled freaks who remain virgins until late in life.

4.) A REAL MAN enforces cultural acceptance of manliness on other males. If a REAL MAN has a younger brother who gets really into music and spends more time playing guitar than drinking beer, playing sports or trying to pick up on girls–it is his duty to “beat the fag” out of him. Even if he doesn’t suspect his brother of having any homosexual inclinations, he must still “beat the fag” out of him. Remember, it is not a situation of (oftentimes unwanted) male on male sex as that often happens in prison and the military (two great bastions of REAL MEN) that is “faggy,” it is the pursuit of things that some men might consider “unmanly.” Never mind the fact that guys like Eddie Van Halen have made millions of dollars and slept with countless women by succeeding in artistic pursuits, they ARE NOT REAL MEN.

5.) A REAL MAN doesn’t know how to cook. He visits the drive through or gets a girlfriend to do it for him. Heck, if he is unable to get a girlfriend, it is better that he live at home with his mom than learn how to cook. And if visiting the drive through makes him unable to do more pull-ups in one set than consume beers in one sitting, than so be it. Rule #5 trumps rule #1. Never mind the fact that there are many world class chef’s who are male, they can prepare meals for REAL MEN, but they themselves ARE NOT REAL MEN.

….now, if you haven’t figured it out…there is a ton of sarcasm in this post. Maybe, you knew, by some divine predisposition that one who goes by the tag “Stoner With a Boner” shouldn’t be taken serious at all times. But if you did not, PLEASE-I AM NOT TELLING YOU to DRIVE DRUNK. There is my warning. I am also not telling you to die in some stinking war ’cause your government tells you. If you want to hold doors open for people, then by all means do so, but don’t slam it in their face or trip them as that would be somewhat cruel. Also, don’t “beat the fag” out of your little brother or anyone else. Really, the only time you should beat on someone is when they attack you or someone else that they shouldn’t. Hopefully you can get through life without beating anyone, but, hey sh*t happens…

Now, I’ve read lots on gender and stuff like that but I’m no expert on masculinity. However, my gut instincts tell me that someone trying to tell you what a REAL MAN is is someone who is trying to get something from you. It may be a woman who wants utility and unconditional love without granting the same. It might be a government that wants cannon fodder or more income tax. Heck, it might even be another man who wants unquestioned obedience. I don’t really know for sure but I’d be suspicious none the less….

as usual, think for yourself and question everything….

3 thoughts on “A REAL MAN Checklist–

  1. From the perspective of my situation people just aren’t like this. See, in some ways some people might be like this but in other ways they aren’t. The REAL MEN I know might be sort of an asshole in some ways but be softies in other ways. They like cars and guns but they love dogs and openly love their children. They might like power tools but they also like cooking. They might enjoy fishing but they also like taking their kids to the museum. I’m stoic but I’m a goofball with my kids. I like hard core PvP video games and flowers and rainbows. I like Conan the Barbarian (the original) but I also like Lost in Translation. I like metal and Lady GaGa. I like distortion and autotune. You get the idea.

    To be honest what prompted me to post here was a post over at a feminist site talking about hegemonic masculinity. Sometimes I wonder if those feminists have actually existed in the real world. Or if they base their views on what they see on TV and cherry pick out of culture. Sometimes their views about what life and culture is about seem in direct contrast to what I am actually living, right now. So, it was just in my mind, you said you wanted comments, and I needed to vent.

    1. “They like cars and guns but they love dogs and openly love their children. They might like power tools but they also like cooking.”

      Right on…

      This was kind of a parody with a think for yourself-choose what works for you kind of thing. I find allot of creativity in cooking (not great at it though) and also if a man is going to spend extended periods of time alone-that would also indicate self-sufficiency……

      There seems to be an aspect of “other’s” trying to define masculinity….

      And don’t get me started on how Feminist’s think they own the gender debate….

      Listen, honey, ever walk a day in my shoes? What gives you the right to define my existence? How come you shoot down everything I say as “mansplainin’?” I must be a bitter misogynist who couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a pocket full of $50’s (yup, someone actually said the second part to me in real life, doubt he was a Feminist though.)

      And on to the Hegemonic Masculinity, where’s Hegemonic Femininity-isn’t there supposed to be some kind of Yin-Yang dynamic where the two genders “play off” of each other?

  2. Your best piece ever SWAB.

    However, my gut instincts tell me that someone trying to tell you what a REAL MAN is is someone who is trying to get something from you

    Exactly.

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