Well, I went out to go see a band I liked from back in the day. It was at a divey, artsy bar. Sat through an unimpressive opener. Was sitting on a barstool in a corner.
A lady walks up and asks if she can take the one next to me. I say “Sure.” Between songs we introduce names. She bumps into me a few times. Then she is touching my arm. I look over and we’re flirting. She takes off her glasses, then takes off mine. We start making out.
She then pull up her top and bra. I gently caress her nipples. She leans in and says “They’re real, give ’em a squeeze.” I oblige.
She then opens her purse and says nonchalantly, “Oh, shoot, I lost my money.” At this point, something seemed a little odd to me. If I lost my money, I’d either be upset that someone stole it or I’d be looking around to see if I dropped it.
She grabs my hand and we walk towards the bar. She says, “Baby, are you having anything to drink?”
I say “I’m driving, I ain’t having a drop.”
She says. “I’m thinking of getting out of here.”
I know in a movie, this is when the protagonist leaves with the lady but my life isn’t a movie. I grab her hand and walk towards the stage. “I really want to see this band. I’ve liked ’em since I was a kid.”
We wind up sitting on some barstools across from where we were. She is between another guy and I. She again says that she wants to get out of here. She then starts flirting with the other guy and asks if he’ll buy her a drink. He replies with the greatest answer ever–“The economy killed chivalry.” We both laugh. She then asks if she can have a sip of his beer. He obliges. She talks about being an entrepreneur. She then talks about being in Playboy when I would’ve been in 6th grade. I can’t verify that as I didn’t have my subscription until 7th grade (joke 😉 .)
She proclaims that she’s going home. I wish her a good evening and she gives me a hug. I then tell the guy whose beer she drank and another guy the previous events. I ask, “D’ya think I woulda had a one night stand if I left with her?”
He says, “Man, I think you dodged a bullet. Something isn’t right with her. You coulda woke up without a kidney.”
The band I was waiting for hits the stage. It was great. I’m not a PUA but if I was I’d be an epic fail, hehe…