“There’s a very common issue I see among guys who’re looking for a girlfriend: they’re just not ready for one yet. Many guys go full-tilt boogie into finding themselves a girlfriend as soon as possible without having laid the emotional groundwork. As a result, they don’t find themselves a relationship so much as a girlfriend-shaped disaster of Hindenburg proportions.”
Notice how he never defines “emotional groundwork.” Is this reading 300 romance novels? Is this Seeing a therapist? Apparently it can be whatever O’Malley wants it to be to browbeat a low status man. Has Warmachine done “emotional groundwork”? Has Hugo Schwyzer? Remember, both these individuals have almost murdered women. They have no problem attracting women but they are not morally superior to dateless men or men who struggle in negotiating relationships.
Just so things don’t get conflated, I’m going to discuss singles who can’t get dates for a second..
Now imagine a woman whose face was severely disfigured in an accident. She is unable to find a mate. She might lament that men are superficial. She might even say that she is “perfectly nice” and her dogs love her. No one would accuse this dateless woman of having a moral failing but instead feel bad for her situation.
It seems to me that O’Malley intentionally puts it back on the man with an ill defined term as if it was a moral failing on his part. This is done to hide the fact that female mate selection can be a brutal and capricious process. Women will select men based upon what they find attractive, not necessarily on anything related to his character. We can observe morally failing men such as Warmachine having great sexual success. A dateless man can be there for any number of reasons such as being a race that women don’t find desirable, being short, being bald, being shy, etc.,etc., Nerdlove is as condescending as a trustafarian telling a poor person that they would work two jobs to pull themselves out of that situation. Of course, the trustafarian never even worked one and disregards common sense logistics on why it may be difficult or impossible to work two jobs. Nerdlove condescendingly uses “emotional groundwork” to put it back onto the man why he is needs to “make himself better.” It is up to him to survive the female selection process and if he somehow stumbles onto a woman who wants a relationship with him, well it must’ve been all those novellas from the 18th century that “helped develop his empathy” and laid the “emotional groundwork” ™ –I’m being sarcastic here if you couldn’t tell. The more likely explanation is he finally met a woman that somehow might’ve not seen certain traits of his such as being short or of an unpopular ethnicity in the same light as other women he approached.
Imagine an unemployed person seeking work. They send out lots of resumes and eventually get a few interviews. The first couple of interviews don’t go very well, the interviewers snidely ask “Why have you been out of work for SOOOO long?” Eventually the job seeker hits the jackpot so to speak. The interviewer is smiling and states you have experience with XYZ, I don’t see that much these days and we really need help with that. When the “outta work” question arises the interviewer doesn’t reply snidely but says, “Oh, so that means you would be able to start immediately. Um, I mean after a suitable job offer has been presented and the background check completed.”
Now was the job seeker a moral failure for being jobless or just someone who was trying to navigate a changing economy? Did they do this mysterious “emotional groundwork” that Doc Condescending spews? Remember how no one would consider the woman mentioned above as a moral failure. However, society and especially feminists deem men in similar situations with those terms. This whole “nice guy” thing is predicated on dateless men being moral failures for having troubles in navigating dating and relationships. Dateless men can observe the world around them and decide how they want to interact with it. Some men may face discrimination and not be able to overcome it (and bullshit advice like Dr. Nerdlove’s does nothing but obfuscate the matter.) For example a man of a race women don’t desire, what is he to do? Move to another part of the world or bleach his skin? These men are not receiving a supportive message that their lack of success in dating is not a moral failure. Those in society who keep on presenting that message that these men are morally failing are invested in gaslighting low status men. I believe that they want these men feeling guilty when no crime was committed so that they can control these men.